NSFW Author

The morning of our next mediation meeting, Suzy asked me if I could meet her for coffee an hour before the meeting to talk about a few things. I agreed, thinking we would discuss the division of our assets but seeing as her eyes were red when I joined her, I realized something was wrong.

She explained she had made a terrible mistake and that now she felt that the price she was paying was way too much for her fault. I panicked, wondering if something had happened to the kids, but she mentioned she was instead talking about our separation itself.

She admitted having been depressed for a while before she actually kicked me out of the house. Trying to conform to the role of a house wife didn’t suit her and with the huge revenues my company had been bringing she had felt her career was a joke and that her best role to play was that of a loving mother.

Since she resented playing such a passive role in regard to her own development, she grew bitter and started blaming me for all of the problems when in fact, she had been the one who decided to reduce her practice hours. She had been the one who wanted a big house to compensate for the hole in her heart caused by her feeling of inadequacy.

So, as I was paying for new things for her to forget her pain, she was getting more distant from me since it reminded her that I had been the one providing for the family and that her role was limited to that of a mother.

She confessed that by kicking me out, she was effectively trying to eliminate that pain but that deep down, she never wanted to lose me. Months ago she had decided to ask me to come back but Jill was in her way and the mediation is making her realize that she is about to lose the love of her life permanently to what she called a younger and better version of that she should have been.

I tried to explain that deep down, I still loved her and that the years we spent together as a loving couple could never be erased or taken away. I told her that I didn’t resent her but that in fact, I resented how I acted in the years leading to the separation, working to expand a company which in the end, didn’t bring us anything durable compared to what we used to get back when it was still small.

I admitted I had hoped for a reconciliation for the first few weeks and that if I hadn’t met Jill, I would have jumped in her arms on the spot, resuming our couple back where it was before our problems began.

But I pressed the fact that I couldn’t just let Jill go. As much as I loved Suzy, I couldn’t just abandon the new life I had built with my new girlfriend and that just dropping everything wouldn’t be fair for Jill, for me and even for Suzy herself.

Even the kids, who probably desperately hoped for a reconciliation would miss the woman they considered to be almost their big sister.

My own words hurt my throat as they were leaving it and judging from the tears escaping from her eyes, they weren’t kind to Suzy either.

I knew it was an impossible solution. We had split because of our respective problems but now that we seem to have found a common ground we were in effect divorcing only because I already had a new girlfriend I didn’t want to part from.

If I had been more materialistic, my decision would have been simple: with Suzy, I get my house back, I get to keep all my money and I can benefit from the new salary from Suzy’s practice.

If I had been more family minded, my decision would have been just as simple: with Suzy, I got to be with the mother of my kids and watch them grow every day instead of every other week-end.

If I had been more logical, my decision would have also pointed to Suzy, a woman I had known and trusted for over a decade and who was there for me for better or for worse, with one single exception. Jill was a more random choice since in effect, I had known her for only a few months.

If I had been more sensible, I would have realized that perhaps Jill’s energy came from her youth and that in a few years, all I could see pointing toward her would vanish, leaving me in a worst scenario than with my ex-wife.

But my heart still ached for that powerful energy. And my thoughts couldn’t bear to live without her. Just as Suzy seemed ruined by Jill’s presence in my life, that same presence trapped me in a dilemma I couldn’t solve with my entire being.

We went through the motion of splitting our assets with the conciliator but to be honest, my mind wasn’t into it and I don’t think Suzy’s mind was either.