NSFW Author

During my afternoon break, I decided to go buy two little gifts for her downtown, as well as survey the list of restaurants which offered vegetarian options.

Ellie’s tofu kabob had been really good, but I was suspicious that most other options would leave me unsatisfied. I don’t know if it was my education, but I really felt that while women could be vegetarian, men needed meat to survive. At least, this man did.

When I asked around, I discovered there were many varieties of vegetarianism. One could just avoid meat, others also avoided eggs and milk, while the vegans avoided ALL animal products. I guess this was Ellie’s complicated lifestyle!

I discovered a nice small mom and pop restaurant with dividers between most of the tables. The menu had a lot of options, including meat and vegetarian options. It wasn’t an upscale restaurant, but if I decided to match the Lamburger’s social position in my choices of restaurants, I was guaranteed to be bankrupted by the end of the month.

I drove rapidly back to the mall, just in time to avoid being late for work. I decided to review in my mind the last few days, pondering if I had not missed something important in the heat of the moment. Ellie was so perfect, so unexpected, I was always afraid she would realize something was wrong with me and leave.

My fears tended to be pushed aside while we played, but I don’t think I didn’t spend less than 5 minutes in every one of my classes wondering if Ellie would still want me.

As I continued to go over my own insecurities, I realized that time was at a standstill. By the time my shift would end, I would be paralyzed by fear !

I thought about what we could do tonight, but it was already too late for that, my fears were dominating me.

As soon as the mall closed, I dropped Candy at our apartment and drove like crazy to Ellie’s.

Ellie smiled widely when she saw me. It always amazed me how sad her face looks like when she is alone and how happy it looked when we were together. I hope I can eventually make her happy even if I am not there not that I have lessons to teach her in particular on that subject.

We did a little small talk on our way to the car and while driving to the restaurant. We only mentioned banalities like classes, the weather and traffic. It was still better than many of our previous drives which tension had kept quiet.

When we arrived at the restaurant, the owner recognized me and offered us a secluded seat near at the back of the dining room. The place was still mostly deserted since it wasn’t 6 yet, but I realized that most of the other patrons were also students.

Almost as soon as we sat down, I asked her to tell me more about her vegetarian lifestyle, to help me prepare.

“Meat takes a lot of energy to produce, and pollutes a lot more. It’s also less healthy.  I don’t like that animals are slaughtered, but I am not a hypocrite. If we have a civilisation, it is because of our subjugation of nature. I almost never eat beef or pork, but I do eat chicken sometimes. If you don’t know what to serve me for proteins, serve chicken, white breast.”

“I like chicken too. I don’t think I could life without meat, but I can live without beef, and I guess without pork. I only eat ham and bacon anyway.”

“I do take dairy products, but I try to avoid milk with the bovine hormone for my health. I also enjoy eggs, but unless I eat out, I only buy biological eggs that were nest-laid by fee-running hens. You can find them in many places. They do cost more, but the chicken are better treated and the eggs tends to be bigger, so you need less “

After thanking her for her clarification, we placed our order. She ordered a vegetarian meat pie, which no, is not an oxymoron, they just replace the actual meat with meat-imitating vegetables. After a lot of hesitation, I decided to simply take the same thing.

“You don’t have to be a vegetarian for me…”

“You decided to try my lifestyle, so I thought I could always try yours. Perhaps I’ll like it, perhaps I won’t. Your kebabs were delicious, so why not trust you with food like you trust me for BDSM ?”

“This is another reason why I love you. Not that you want to become a vegetarian, but that you think about it because you want to trust me.”

I decided to jump in the opened window…

“Speaking of which, can you tell me what you look for in a Man ?”

She gazed directly into my eyes, hesitating a few seconds to answer, but when she did, there was absolutely no faltering in her voice.

“I want a man who will listen to me. Not necessarily to what I have to say, but to what my needs and my desires are. I spent my life losing the fight to get attention from my parents. I want to find someone I will never have to fight to get affection. Someone who will be there for me, and who will let me be there for him. I want someone who is honest, who can tell me not only what he wants, but also how he feels. Someone who is open and proud to be himself because if he cannot be proud of himself, how can he be proud of me ? I want someone who it attached to me, to my soul, not to my money or to my looks.”

I let her pause for a little to make sure she didn’t have anything to had. During that time, I let her words sink into my heart. Could I be the man she wanted ? Yes, I could see that. When I get into a relationship, I get all in. I still had to work on being proud of me, but hey, we all do.

When I realized she was looking intensely at me, I thanked her, and explained that I could really work with that. That I was not superficial and that I really cared about the people I loved.

I was certainly less articulate than she had been, but I was not less confident.

“So, what do you want in a girlfriend ?”

I didn’t have to wait.

“In all my relationships, it’s not so much the person in front of me I relate to, but rather to their potential. I try not to judge people from their own faults and defects, but rather on the efforts they are making to get rid of them. So, I want a woman who is willing to grow. Who is willing to share her life, not just an apartment or a bank account but rather someone who really wants me to be there for her and who will be there for me. The former is really the deal maker for me. I can accept a girlfriend who is not yet able to help me but if she won’t let me be there when she needs me, I am out of there.”

I didn’t think it was possible, but she smiled even more, and took my hand on the table. Evidently, I scored some points.

I guess she would continue my interrogation by talking about the big elephant in the room.

“But how do you reconcile BDSM and love ?”

Spot on…

“The way I see it, a BDSM relationship is first and foremost a human relationship. We might talk about humiliation, pain and slavery but behind all of that there are two humans in a trusting and loving relationship. I might be inflicting you pain or humiliating you at some point but my thoughts aren’t on hurting you, they are on how you can enjoy this and how you can grow with this. In my belief, it’s not only pleasure which makes you a better person. It’s every experience you learn from. In BDSM you get to learn about your limits, learn about your trust of the other person and so on.”

“I guess it makes sense. When you first started to spank me and you increased the strength gradually, I was mostly thinking in my head : “Do I trust him ?”. And yet, I came up to the conclusion that I could trust you. Even if I was tied up and you could have abused me, my thoughts were that if I wanted it to stop, you would stop.”

“Indeed”

Our waitress delivered the food at that moment. The meat pie looked exactly like other meat pie, but I could see the color was slightly different. I let her start; we were after all on a date and discovered a few seconds later that the taste wasn’t that foreign. It didn’t have the richness of beef, but it was pleasant enough.

I decided to continue my explanation.

“Speaking of trust, knowing that you are trusted brings another side-effect: confidence. When it came to girls, I had always been insecure. I never knew how I should act, if they would like me or not, if I was nice or too overbearing for them. When Amber and I… oops, sorry for bringing her out on our date”

“No, it’s okay, I more and more feel like she’s a part of my life and the more I do the more I want her close. I never thought I could feel this way, but it’s as if she was part of the equation”

“Good, I really like that. I love you a lot and while I don’t love Amber as a girlfriend, I do have some affection for her. I would let her go if you asked me too, but I would prefer to keep her too and I do have a lot of ideas of things that the three of us can experiment together”

She blushed a little. I think she understood it would involve a lot of touching between Amber and her…

“Sorry to have interrupted you… You were talking about Amber and you”

“Yes, when Amber and I started experimenting with BDSM, I discovered that my confidence with girls increased a lot. It’s has if because one girl had told me yes to a lot of things, I was secure enough in my manhood to be cool with the others.”

“I guess it is like the girlfriend seduction paradox”

I didn’t know what she meant.

“I am listening…”

“A lot of guys say that when they have a girlfriend, they attract a lot of other girls who are disappointed to see they are already dating. Yet, as soon as they become single, they all fly away. The difference is that while he was dating, the guy had a lot of self-confidence. He didn’t need another girlfriend. But as soon as he became single, his flirting became important and his self-confidence disappeared.”

We both laughed a little and an awkward silence made us realize we had shared a lot of inner thoughts. We ended up sharing a few experiences from the past, but I think both of us were in a hurry to leave the restaurant to consume our love for each other.

Ok, perhaps it was just me, but she certainly didn’t complain when we went back to the car and her eyes really seemed to glitter from joy.

In the car, I suddenly remembered I had gifts for her, so I picked up the back from the back seat and offered it to her.

Inside, were a leather collar similar to Candy’s, and a black suede choker which I bought for daily wearing in public. It certainly looked inconspicuous.

Ellie hugged me, which lead to a little passionate kissing. I offered to help her put on the choker, but instead, she decide to put the collar on right away.

The drive back to my apartment was silent, but this time, it wasn’t cause by tension, but rather by simple happiness.