NSFW Author

That Tuesday morning, I did something I hadn’t done for over a year. I put my wedding band on my finger. I didn’t really think It through. I saw it in the middle of my things and just put it on as if it was entirely normal.

Jill was already in the kitchen with my kids, preparing their breakfast. Both my girlfriend and my daughter were dressed but my son still had his pyjama on.

I told him to get dressed and thanked Jill for her efforts. She approached to kiss me but I turned around the table to avoid her affection seeing that my daughter was looking directly at us.

She was definitely old enough to know the difference between a friendly sign of affection and a loving kiss, but not old enough to be explained about new living arrangements.

I sat down at my usual seat as soon as my son came back. The four of us ate with appetite while the kids told us about what they would do at school that day.

Suzy joined us and kissed me without knowing about the earlier incident. I managed to catch sadness in Jill’s eyes but couldn’t say anything for now.

Fortunately we quickly had to leave for work allowing the two of us some personal time while car pooling.

You know how often a tense silence installs itself when there is a big issue on the table ? This morning the conversation couldn’t flow simply because we both had too much to say.

I decided to yield to let Jill express her sorrows.

“I accepted to share you because I thought it would make both of us happier and closer. I knew that you still had feelings for your ex-wife and I was convinced that with this living arrangement you could feel more complete. But I realize this means that she has taken back the first place in your heart and I am just the secondary girlfriend, the mistress. I didn’t plan it this way. I guess I should have seen it coming. We had been together for what, perhaps 10 months when I first suggested it ? Suzy had been your wife for just as many years. I can’t compete with her. She won.”

I felt really sad for her. Especially since I fully understood what she meant. It took me quite a few red lights to actually find something to answer, leaving that tense silence in place we had so far avoided.

“Jill, you are not my mistress. I still love you as much as I did back when we were both at the apartment. This morning, I did want to kiss you. My problem isn’t with you or even with Suzy. It’s with my kids. I would never put Suzy ahead of you, but how can I kiss you lovingly in front of the children? It’s not like they are old enough to understand our relationship. But rest assured I do love you. If this doesn’t work out and we need to split up, you are still the one I would follow. I can’t leave you behind. Every morning when I wake up and I feel someone next to me, I am happy for a second that you are in my life. Once I emerge from my dreaming state and realize that Suzy is the one laying next to me, panic sets in and I wonder where you are. I cannot calm down until I am able to picture you sleeping in our guest bedroom. I do love that you are both in my life but if I had to choose to keep just one girlfriend, I would pick you. There is no doubt in my mind.”

Jill was crying. I think I was too.

“Please don’t mistake Jill my monogamous display of affection toward Suzy in front of our kids as a sign of rejection. I just can’t see any other way to handle this situation without hurting my kids. As much as I love both you and Suzy, I am responsible for them, and I don’t see any other way to deal with this.”

“I know. You are doing your best both as a father, as a husband and as a boyfriend. I can feel it that you love me. I am just not used to the situation. I don’t have kids so I don’t fully understand”

“Do you really want not to have kids Jill, honestly ?”

“It’s complicated. My father was over 20 years older than my mom. He died when I was 8 and my mother never fully recovered. She turned to religion to ease her sorrows and almost abandoned me, spending all of her time at church. I had to almost raise myself. There was no one around me when I had my first periods.  I had no idea what was going on.”

“Poor you”

“Yeah, I guess that’s why there is a hole in my heart or something. That’s also why I don’t want to have kids with you. I love you a lot and I don’t mind our age difference but if I have kids with you, I might end up raising them alone and it scares the shit out of me.”

I was stunned by her answer. I guess that even after almost a year, there were aspects of Jill I still didn’t fully grasp.

“I am sorry for your dad”, was all I could add.

“I guess I’ll be alright. And I have your kids to help me redeem myself. With them, I can be present but I know that their real parents are still looking out for them. I don’t have to fear abandoning them. Perhaps that’s another one of the reasons I went ahead for this plan. So you would be there for them. So they would have their father.”

I held her hand for the rest of the commute. She talked a little more about her dad, whom she still loved a lot but her mother seemed to be totally absent, not just from her life, but also from her heart.